A Guide to Becoming a New Dad
How does fatherhood change your life?
Becoming a father can be a seismic, often traumatic, change in a man’s life. New fathers are generally caricatured in popular culture as anxious, bewildered and resentful; countless movies and television shows perpetuate the stereotype of the unwilling partner seeking to escape the impending reality of fatherhood. In fact, this stereotype is widely confirmed in online discussion forums where future dads routinely express emotions ranging from apprehension to panic, and pregnant women are often desperate for advice on how to deal with partners who have changed their mind or are threatening to abandon the relationship. To be fair, fatherhood does indeed demand a sea change in men’s attitudes regarding their personal priorities, their relationships and their place in the world.
What to Expect with Your Partner’s Body
The transformation begins during pregnancy, when the man is first confronted with the physical evidence that his partner’s body now contains a part of himself. This creates a psychological bridge that facilitates the man’s ability to reassign some of his self-concern to his partner and provide the care and support that she increasingly needs as her pregnancy progresses. It continues through the delivery process, where the suffering and endurance of his partner can inspire feelings of admiration, wonder and deepened love. To men who have participated in the birth process, the mother’s relief and elation at its successful conclusion is shared by the father and inspires heightened feelings of ownership and protectiveness, which may enhance the father’s sense of masculinity.
Stress on the Relationship
The most common observation when assessing the effect of fatherhood on men is the stress it puts on their relationship with their partners. The mother by necessity must invest her limited physical resources to the child and usually has little energy left with which to attend to the emotional needs of her partner. Sexual activity may be discontinued for an extended period, and fathers are often left with the feeling that they are doing a lot of giving without any getting. If left unchecked, this can lead to feelings of envy and resentment toward the child, which is harmful to both the child and the mother. On the other hand, those fathers who have the emotional maturity to adapt to the new reality feel a new sense of stability in their marriage and an opportunity to experience a greater range of emotions toward their partner.
The Effect Becoming a Dad has on Friendships
Another major change brought about by fatherhood is its effect on friendships. The father’s male relationships are inevitably restructured because of the demands of parenting and are often put on hiatus for an extended period as the father adjusts to new patterns. Fatherhood can often put friendships to the test; men can find themselves estranged from friends who may not have the emotional maturity to adjust to the new reality and who may harbor their own feelings of jealousy. At the same time, fatherhood can enhance and deepen the man’s most worthwhile friendships, particularly among those who are already fathers and can share their experiences and feelings. This is the area in which an expecting father’s fear of change is most often confirmed; it is up to the man and his friends to make the change a positive and rewarding one.
Being a New Father in the Workplace
For many new fathers, the most troubling conflicts they face are not jealous friends but unsupportive employers and colleagues at the workplace. The 1993 Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) allows up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave for both mothers and fathers. Employers are required to comply but are often unhappy about it. This can have a damaging effect on the father’s ability to succeed and advance his career, which is one of the major sources of anxiety among American men. Unlike inner feelings of jealousy and resentment, which are within the individual’s power to overcome, tension in the workplace is an external reality that can engage much of the man’s emotional resources and undermine his ability to be a good partner and father. On the other hand, learning how to navigate this and the other challenges of fatherhood can inevitably leave a man more confident, more responsible and more emotionally giving, to the benefit of his own sense of well-being and the quality of care and support he can provide his partner and child.
7 Fears New Fathers Face
Security fears
Will I be able to protect and provide for my family?
Performance Fears
Therapists advise that many new fathers are worried they will not be able to perform when their partner is in labor.
Paternity Fears
Many expectant fathers report that they had fleeting thoughts that they weren’t really the baby’s father.
Mortality Fears
When part of the beginning of a life, there are usually recurring thoughts about the end of life, as well.
Fear for the Health of the Partner or Child
Childbirth is a nerve-racking experience. Scary things can happen to the people you love most in the whole world.
Relationship Fears
Men often fear that their partner will love the baby more than anyone on earth — and exclude them from that intimate relationship.
Fears of “Women’s Medicine”
Men are not used to the ob-gyn establishment. It’s foreign, it’s cold, it’s something they don’t understand well.
Resources About being a Dad
Do Dads Get Paternity leave? This article adresses questions such as What is paternity leave? How can I tell if I’m entitled to unpaid leave? What happens to my benefits while I’m out on leave? What if I’m adopting a child or taking in a foster child? Will taking paternity leave hurt my job? How and when should I request leave? What if my employer denies my request for paternity leave? What if I don’t qualify for leave under FMLA? How can I make the most of my time with my family if I can’t take unpaid leave? Where can I get more information on paternity leave?
Community for fathers, by fathers.
Becoming a father.
I am a teacher in Michigan. I grew up in Florida and have lived here in MI for close to 15 years. I enjoy writing and skiing in my spare time.
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